July 29, 2020
The past few days I have felt overwhelmed by my "wait." Yes, I mean w-a-i-t, not w-e-i-g-h-t. Consequently, I have probably put on some weight, by indulging in my frustration and neglecting my physical needs constantly stuck in my head, contemplating when God is going to meet my timetable. Sometimes I wish I could just walk into those pearly gates and see God's calendar because apparently mine seems to be completely off. Certainly by this time, this baby should be walking, my mother should be strolling back into our family amusement park, and all of these Job-like boils and Joseph-like experiences in the pit should have subsided. Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for how far God has brought me, but have you ever been in the middle of your wait?
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July 27, 2020
I've sat here looking at this computer trying to determine which of my experiences this past weekend, I should share. Well, it's not necessarily an experience, but it's the adventures I go on in my mind. I have been in the amusement park of my thoughts, and the water slides are amazing--the roller-coasters, not so much. If you've ever been to an amusement park, you know the process of planning required to have a fun-filled time. You need to pack refreshments, towels, and maybe even a change of clothes. Nothing else can be cramped into the day because in between the times of riding the roller-coasters, going to the simulations, and eating funnel cakes, you must consider the walk and the heat of the sun.
While enjoying the entertainment, we mustn't forget the long walks between the rides and sometimes having to figure out things by reading one of those park maps. You know the ones you open and turn multiple times, but still can't find a daggon thing.
The mind appears to be very similar when we are in the process of waiting for something--whether that's waiting a dream to be fulfilled, a wayward child to return, financial stability, the end of a crisis, reconciliation, or whatever it is God has promised us. Well, I know I'm not alone when I say this but: "Waiting is HARRRDDDDD!!!!"
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July 24, 2020
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July 22, 2020
When you begin to face yourself in the mirror, you'll realize two things: 1) You like what you see or you don't; 2) You are not "better" than the person or people you ridicule and/or criticize. Why? Because, being overly critical and judgmental of others is rooted in pride and self-righteousness. Pointing out someone else's flaws is an attempt to prove that we are more worthy of love than they are, when the truth is, we are all worthy of love. We, too, are ill -- and need to be forgiven "seven times seventy times ......"
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July 21, 2020
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![Beautiful Ugly by Bathsheba Smithen]()
July 15, 2020
Ugh! I can't get rid of this. I've tried to pray it away but it's as if years of suppressed aggression is now surfacing and I'm sitting over the porcelain throne, tossing up my guts for hours; puking up my dysfunction. Nothing has gone or is going the way I want it to. I'm good....so I should have the finer things. But that's the religiosity speaking. I'm leaking with self-righteousness. Pride. Bitterness. Jealousy.....and RAGE. All of my ugly is coming out on this page and I can't contain it any longer. I've been taking it to the altar, reading the Word of God, but it won't disappear and I'm near the cross. Why do I feel loss, like I can't find me in this sea of despair--anger.
And now, I'm condemning myself for being in pain and actually dealing with the feelings associated with the hurts that were never expressed. Frustrated that my sins are exposing themselves, looking in the mirror and seeing my beautiful ugly, I've discovered that the Word of God does not function like a microwave although I've treated it that way. Some healing will take time. However, the desire to expedite the process gnaws at me like an irritating gnat that won't go away.
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July 14, 2020
Walking or driving outside late at night allows us to notice things while remaining blind to them. You see the scenery, but not really. The silhouette of a man or woman crossing the street, but not the outfit in its entirety. You can't see the individual for how they truly look because darkness impedes your ability to see clearly. What about when it's raining... I mean when there is a torrential downpour. Your vision is definitely impaired and for that reason you must reduce your speed and not drive according to the legal speed limit.
I hate driving late at night because everything is not the way it appears. The light of day brings to life the truth of what darkness made a lie. Some things that seem beautiful are actually not that attractive and those things that are not so attractive in the dark, we see the beauty of them in the day.
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July 10, 2020
When Change demands our attention, we mustn't turn our backs to ignore Truth simply because we are concerned about other people's opinions or the discomfort involved in transformation. One will never observe a caterpillar checking his chrysalis to see it is pretty enough, a flower rejecting its petals because it hates the Spring, or an infant fighting against his or her delivery. We too, then, must welcome Change, no matter how much we must endure Pain. yes, struggle happens when you change, but it is purposeful and yields fruit. Struggle as a result of not welcoming Change--well, that could last forever...that is, until you accept Change after all.
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